All I ever wanted to be was a wife and a mother. That was my dream, not some fancy degree, or a ton of awards, but marriage and motherhood. There is nothing wrong with those other things, they just weren’t what I really wanted.
I married my highschool sweetheart (well, senior year sweetheart) just 6 months after we graduated Highschool and while he was fresh out of boot camp and starting his career with the USMC. A little over a year later, we were expecting our first child. Dream come true, so where was the joy that I had expected to feel? Instead of the fairytale I’d longed for, I had a marriage that was falling apart, a husband set to deploy before our child was even born, and so many nights spent crying myself to sleep than I care to remember.
The enemy had attacked, and I was so not ready. I was drowning in silence, I didnt understand why God didn’t just bring me home already because I was clearly unfit. Satan poured out the lies, and I drank them up.
I turned to God, and he lifted my head above the water, but I was too scared to give everything to Him. The enemy’s lies were far too believeable, it was easier to believe that I was wretched and unworthy of the blessings God bestowed on me. He blessed us with a second child, just days before my husband and their daddy left on a second deployment. Our marriage was beginning to heal thanks to God’s grace. Joy still alluded me.
I was, even after all of God’s faithfullness and blessings, still giving in to the lies of the enemy. Every form of criticism, self-inflicted, outward, percieved, imagined, I willingly lapped it up. This went on in varying degrees of intensity for a couple years. Sometimes I would start to believe God’s promises, and really believe that they were for me, and I’d feel that spark of joy. Then satan would begin wispering in my ear, and once again I’d start to believe the lies. I had seen and felt God’s presence, I’d seen first hand the growth He started in me, in my husband, and in our family. And yet I still crumbled so easily at the enemies lies.
Until more recently, this past year has thrown me far and wide outside of my comfort zone. I’ve seen God in ALL of it. Chris being sent home early from deployment number 3, the starting process of our journey to Oki starting a week later, surgery for my hernia repair happening at just the right time to give me time to heal before needing to be on the plane, my surgeon being a christian, our friends and neighbors here on Island, all sent by God.
God knew what I needed before I did, the crazy hours and busy weeks for my husband definetly put strain on our family, especially the first 6 months or so. Thank God for our friends and neighbors. Playdates and hanging out brought me out of my house, where I tend to hole-up when things get hard. I joined every activity I could, just to force myself out of my comfort zone. God is so good. He lead me once again to homeschool, I fought it, He closed every door. So, as I mentioned in an earlier post, we took a break for the summer and started back refreshed.
I have seen the enemy trying to stop me, using all the tricks he’s succeeded with in the past. This time, it’s not working. This time I was expecting it, and this time, I tuned to God before I fell down. Now, I’m not naieve enough to think that I will never fall for lies again, or that there will never be hard times. There will be, but thank God, I’ve finally found the joy! The joy of the Lord is my strength, I need only trust in Him!
Faith and Coffee